I Can See It! I See It! Exciting Now, Exciting!

Ah, false alarm.

But I've been learning things. I have been learning things that have lifted the lead poison right out. You can learn these things you see. On your own. Well those birds start singing again; they stop dropping out of the trees. The ground is clear to walk on yet again!

I still don't know what's going on...but do any of you? Does everything have to be known?

Maybe it does. Maybe. But...that can be later. Why take everything on at once? They would tell you that it is ridiculous! And it is!

There's something dark in this. So light a match.

Ah, Sludgefeast.

Build

Nothing happens Today. So I wait for Tomorrow. And I wait, and I wait, aaand I wait!

Until I am living entirely ahead of myself.

Ohhhh but that nothing of Today is so sweet. I could seperate the good from the bad and leave the bad for Tomorrow. And the good is...is soooo sweet!

And I watch the door to Tomorrow, and see the light pouring out through the cracks. I see the shadows pass one by one.

I expect Tomorrow to come through that door with a loaded sawed-off shotgun.

And if so, I would like to think that I am behind the protective wall of Today.

And I am.

Conversations of Oblivion

Man 1: Goodday!
Man 2: Hello!
Man 1: How's it going?
Man 2: I saw some mudcrabs down on the beach. I steerd clear of them though.
Man 1: Ah, good thing they are slow and not very smart.
Man 2: Yes, and their pinchers are sharp too.
Man 1: Take care.
Man 2: Goodbye.




You'll find me hiding in this other world that is not mine.

Glass Crescendos

It's getting louder. With every passing second it grows from a pulse to a hum to a boom. My heart beats faster and harder as the volume rises. It is rising, like the growing light of a blast behind the horizon.

Closer and louder.

This time it is the cold that is safe. And the warmth is a melting core of reacting elements.

Sink back into the cold with a final gasp and release of breath that floats into the air as a visible puff of smoke.

Very close now.

Look, it started snowing.

Close your eyes now. Fortunately this shouldn't hurt too much.

Breakass

I've had a momentary lapse in...well...I can't really pinpoint the actual specific type of lapse, but I definitely have a lapse somewhere in my thought processes right now. Or not really, but I am having trouble getting on this thing and writing.

Just enjoying the lingering void I suppose.

I guess this post is a sort of placeholder. But more will come soon. More placeholders. Upon placeholders! Upon plaaaaaceholders!

And then I can start to write something and then go: "No just kidding! This is a placeholder too!" And then I will keep placeholding and placeholding until it becomes infinite. And when it has entered that infinite loop, and when that engine can turn its pistons and run on its own...then I will drive it straight to HELL! Because it will already have some sort of chassis surrounding it, since you can't really drive an engine. You could if it had wheels I suppose, but I can't imagine it feeling too good, since engines get hot. Maybe if you had some sort of insulating rug that you could sit on...but it would still be warm. And bugs would fly into your eyes. Then you would crash and die. You would have to invest in a windshield. And eventually, all of these remedies for these inconveniences would culminate in the construction of an actual car! But you would never get there because you spent the rest of your money on that pepperoni calzone! And oh, was it worth it. Finally, you would never have been able to drive the car because the engine was only an abstraction of words and ideas! And abstractions do not have physical causation! They cannot directly interact with the material world at all! Their entirety lies in our minds. Interpretations. Metaphors for what is really going on. And what is really going on cannot be grasped from interpretation.

I just realized I went from first person to second person to aphorism somewhere in there. I can't even figure out what happened just now.

There's meaning in them there chaos.

I just don't know what it is yet.

This I do not doubt.

Shit.

On Hilarity

Some of these people were saying that not enough blogs have decent humor in them.

Well...I'm not one to match up to people's expectations. Screw them.

But just this once. I'm gonna go for funny. I can be funny.

Lesseeeee...








Eh, I'm going to bed.

Dark Shapes That Were Never There

There were things this season that I imagined. I imagined these things that developed into entire scenarios with their own little backstories and outcomes and consequences.

These scenarios were not positive scenarios.

And so they took turns eating at my stomach and brain with their acid teeth.

And what happens? The scenarios never took place. They were shadows of doubts rising and falling inside my head. And those doubts were never substanciated and they never became anything more than phantoms of terror with their smoke and mirrors.

Such wasted energy.

I do this to myself. And it happens more than it should. But I give in to this fabrication.

I give the life to these life leeches.

But when it is over I can breathe again. I walk away strengthened, as if I survived some terrible ordeal. I feel victorious.

But that victory is mine and mine alone, because that is as far as this war of the imagination will ever reach.

Oh, the perils of a fevered imagination!

But it is something to live with. Like breathing and blinking and swallowing. Acceptance gives way to automation.

-Saaaktumbre! I just made that up. It was fun.

Debilitation by Mind

Ow ow ow. That burning lead in my stomach is back.

Clench up. Sit it through.

Oh, how much longer?!

It follows me into my sleep, and joins me at the other side. It waits in the light at the other end of the tunnel with its traincrash grin.

See this through, just a bit longer.

Living yard by yard now. Foot by foot. Inch by inch. Mathematically if this pattern keeps up, the end result will be negligible.

Oh, but it seeps through the fingers! It hurts.

But you gotta take it like a man. You gotta take it like society's man. That man that lets not even a grimace pass onto his rock-hard face.

And I'll take it like a man.

I'll see this one through.

I'll eat that hot lead. Eat it for breakfast.

Shit lightning.

Heh, society's man.

This is the land of the living.

Let's see if I can.

The Incalculable Weight of Silence and Nothingness

Questions were asked. Questions that took on the characteristics of gouging meat hooks.

Were they necessary?

Yes. Essential even.

But then began the introspection...well into the night with its bleeding neon lights.

And I felt like the loneliest person in the world.



To fill the void with another different kind of void. Tangible but hollow.


This gets dangerous. And the danger is undeniably exciting.

Addition

"Perhaps imagination is only intelligence having fun." -George Scialabba

Best thing on a calendar I ever read.

Recovering From Being Killed

I may have made a very grave error that would cause me to fail a certain class.

Now...I fail to comprehend the gravity of the situation. Or I just don't care! My neck is firmly locked in the brace and there is a very sharp gleaming guillotine poised just above in all of its maximum potential energy glory. But I fail to care. Is it something that I lack? Or something that I have gained? I would argue for the latter. There is a chance that this is all irrelevant as this error could be entirely imagined and embellished in a fantastic construct of paranoia and uncertainty.

Buuuut...I don't care! Oh to be free from the shackles of blind perfectionism!

There is still a sort of sensation of impending doom. A sensation akin to being under the spell of a heavy rumbling in the distance...most likely from something that is very large in size. Biologically we are more fearful of the lower frequency rumbles because they usually precede something that is very big that is coming to kill us. The higher frequencies aren't usually emitted by things that are mortally dangerous to us. Usually.

The mountains were nice, but I did use my left lower body far too much due to aggressive snowboarding...and now it feels like it has been run over by one of those mega dump trucks that are as large as an office building. Over...and over...and over again. But I'm not complaining. I'm no baby. I love the feeling in fact. I wish the same was true for my right lower body. I'm no baby man. No way.

I wish I didn't have to fill out these anxiety disorder questionnaires. Seeing a glimpse of what I should be feeling just makes things a whole lot worse.

Buuuut...whatever. I will go...with the flow...don't say it doesn't matter.

-The Piece

Lush, Visceral, and Sharply Dull

Heading for the mountains again. To crawl out of the urban sludge that is visually and distinctly marked off from the blue clarity of the tall mountains by a dense layer of opaque grey exhaust soup.

Those winking glints of light that reach your eye from miles away that seem to be coming from the sides of distant mountains are other cars making that same ascent, and maybe they have that same motive...to reach this place that is untainted by that grain that characterizes population. Or maybe they have other motives.

I think of the grain and filth and wonder why we of all creatures produce such negative bi-products to sustain ourselves. But what if we are part of nature? What if this is how nature is supposed to look like as it exists, that these cities and gases and wastes are our anthills and that we just see ourselves as superbeings that somehow exist seperately from the life on this world simply because we think with such complication. This is nature and this is the natural state of things as they progress and take form and this is all inevitable in the face of existence. Then nature as our common definition suggests is just a simplified account of life. The real nature includes us, our antills, and the chemicals that they produce.

Even if that is the case, I still don't care for it, and I prefer to avoid heavy population density anyway.

A brief goodbye. These goodbyes I don't hate because there is a return. Thus the goodbye fades almost as soon as it is declared. It is the long ones...and the permanent ones that I hide from in apprehension, and wish that they would stop scratching at my door when my will dissolves.

-The Piece