I have finished my final essay just now. It was long and I felt very restless and squirmy throughout. Very squirmy. That feeling when you are working on something and you know that you have such a long way to go and there is no way out and you start to go slightly crazy. Maybe it is remotely similar to what a prisoner feels when he is serving his time and he gazes ahead in his temporal concerns and realizes how long he has before he is out. And he goes slightly crazy.
Oh how I longed for human contact. Anything. Anything. But I knew it would be my ruin if I wanted to get done at a decent time. So I locked up and typed away. Again, similar to the prisoner maybe, but not nearly as agonizing.
I know sort of why analytical writing is the pits for me. It is just the way I think. I have a creational slant to things. That is all. I write something to create it, and after I have given it the life I want to give it, I let it go free to live a life of its own (aha we must check my ego and consider whether this thing really has that much of a life ahead of it). But anyways. I let these things go, and they do not get so tangled, because they recycle and I stay relatively clean (unless it is a larger creational project that has a longer life before it is set free, then that becomes heavy and tangled itself, but still manageable).
But analytical writing requires a certain balance of a large mass of information, something that may never have a life of its own, but is extending off of other creations and information flows. There is an accumulation of weight and complication, and this mass has to be constantly nursed and lifted by the analytical writer to retain coherency and consistency. Sometimes I have these skills, especially for things I know a lot about and even more so about things that I love. But for day to day information juggling like this, things like this essay and other things such and such and such, I just don't have it. I can admit that. Hats off to the analysts and the critics and the professors on that one.
I think that maybe my analytical essays are alright, but after I am done with them I myself cannot completely understand them, because this mass that I have sustained cannot be set free, and therefore I have to know it as an extension of me in a larger network or extensions. And then I lose confidence in what I have created because I don't entirely understand it.
And I should just stop, because soon I'm not even going to be sure what I'm talking about.
FUCK.
I need to take a break. I need to go watch people compete at eating, or go work a massive erection, or something. Or maybe just play some videogames.
Right friends?
