He told me something about my hair and my sunglasses. He was holding out his hand, a big smile on his face. Why me? Always me. They always find me. They know I'm patient, somehow, they can sense it. I felt sorry that he had to get my attention by throwing out awkward compliments. At first I thought he was crazy. I felt sorry. I felt sorry that he had to do that, I would have listened to what he had to say anyway. I gave him a little money because I felt sorry about that too. He gave me some literature that I ended up throwing away at the end of the day because for a minute I hated myself and I hated the literature and I hated the author who was critiquing philosophers based on his own narrow religious world view. Maybe I was being narrow myself. It doesn't matter now. I blew it all away with rum. Washed it all down... into headache oceans...disorientating...like falling down a flight of stairs unconscious and waking to what it is, what really is at the bottom of the stairs, and not a bunch of pillows like there was during my childhood.
Childhood. When I was a different creature altogether. You'd think we really do have free will, and it sure feels like we do, but I am such a different person compared to the kid I once was. I wonder what a self is, what an individual is, if it stays whole as one. I used to scream in my sleep and my parents thought I was being murdered. What a heavy thing to hear in the middle of the night (sometimes I do every once in a while). But I don't ever remember any of it. You can't. You can't remember the things you do in sleep. I used to sleep walk all the time. Find myself in strange places.
Where do the dreams come from? Sometimes I feel like I'm just along for the ride and I'm piloting some strange beast that I still don't understand. It is like there is this center of cohesion but under the center where all the workings are is this ancient alien mind. The average man thinks he knows himself, probably because he doesn't really think at all. What freedom that must be. Maybe its just me.
I watched a trail of ants out in the backyard, and noticed that they seem to converge and gravitate to one another when they are passing each other, even if they are on opposite sides and could easily pass without touching. But they seem to like to stop and touch for just a second, and then move on. I don't know if that matters right now or not.
The sun was warm and a bird passed by overhead and that moment was frozen cinematic and I felt like I knew it would happen just that way as it happened. Your color balance will make the world blue if you close your eyes out in the sun for a while.
In class at the end of the day when I was feeling especially cynical I overhead a really great conversation. People were talking about the article we had to read, the correspondence between Freud and Einstein, a correspondence that I thought was very classic and insightful. I vaguely remember what they said:
"So I was trying to read that thing with Freud and Einstein last night."
"Oh yeah, yeah."
"Yeah like...I was like...uhhhhhhhh. Man so boring. They just babbled on. No real points or anything. It just felt pointless."
"Yeah babble is a good word for it."
I guess it was my opinion against theirs. They have a different way of thinking. Or the absence of the mentioned. Their words were insightful as well. Almost as insightful as the correspondence for sure. Very classical. I agree. No point. Lots of babbling. They were very wise in their particularily scathing critique.
They looked like hairless monkeys sitting there exchanging glances and laughing. I thought about feeding them a banana. After maybe beating them with it.
Sometimes I worry about this venom.
Then I try not to care. And then I don't care.
The drunk survives the crash because his body is loose and relaxed.
