I remember looking into that deep blue frequently during the trip on that ship. I'd be out on the deck by myself, the only depressive on the entire cruise ship (probably not, but it seemed that way), gazing over that railing into that incredible blue. A perfect blue it was. I'd wondered how deep it was. And what strange things it could hide. I'd thought about suddenly throwing myself over the railing. What the experience would be like. What it would be like to be left behind in that beautiful terrifying sea. It would be cold. I know that much.
And then the last evening we were on the ship, some gathered on the bow of the ship just under the radar tower and watched where the horizon met the sea. I was alone with my thoughts among the few up on the catwalk, and the wind was powerful that evening. I remember gazing after that horizon, thinking how terribly infinite and wonderful the world seemed. Those are rare times, rare feelings, that come and go. I believe everyone else was off having sex or drinking or just hooking up with other people, and I was out on the deck watching the sun go down and feeling the wind and watching the stars start to burn into the dark purple. It was a profound time but also lonely and somewhat regretful. I traded some things for others. I was in a bad way that entire trip for whatever reason. That cruel chemistry at work I suppose.
I looked at all sorts of old pictures. Some colorful, some gray. Those old feelings sure come back easy enough.
I still have pictures of you, K. I often wonder if you are still out there, even on the internet, drifting, seeing what there is to see. You are in a Kafkaesque story now, like I figured you always wanted to be. In my mind anyway. I guess I did too. And in a sense I am there as well. It has been nearly a year, and sometimes something reminds me of you and I miss you very dearly. I suppose there are a lot of things that remind me. Left a strong impression it seems. I wonder if you are out there waiting for me to begin a search for you. And maybe I will when I have the means. I also wonder if that is that and you do not want to be found. I wonder a lot of things a lot of the time. That's alright. A year seems like a very long time with a feeling like this. And it is.
It seems I'm already tired, a little too early. I worry about this. Already tired of the race. And I haven't really started. It only took watching it from afar...to realize its absurdity. Well.
