I had one dream where I woke up within the dream, completely panicked that I couldn't tell reality from unreality. I began distinguishing certain things that seemed completely unreal, and then things where I might be conscious, such as instances of vibrant sensations such as taste. I then woke up from this dream completely disoriented, my head churning in all sorts of different directions. I realized that yes, this is the unmistakable feeling of the waking life. I am definitely conscious right now. It was troubling that I would try to separate reality with unreality within a dream though, when it all should be the musings of the unconscious.
This morning I awoke with the memory of a number of violent dreams. I was part of a video game in which I decided to commit murder with a .45. After the act, I decided I did not want this, but the police were on to me and I was running into impossible questions of logistics with moving the bodies with the help of my accomplice. I decided to turn back the clock. I would load a previous save where I didn't commit murder. Everyone will still be alive and the police will not want me for questioning. My accomplice liked the taste of blood, however. He threatened me with a gun. He killed an officer when she came to question us, and then I managed to kill him with a few shots to his chest. The wounds were gaping, and I saw that my weapon did terrible work. Everyone was now dead and I was disgusted by this. So I loaded a previous moment and it worked. All was better now.
I was also part of a squad and we were clearing out caves in some sort of Eastern city. Flashlights and shotguns and automatic rifles. There were also jets and motorcycles and men with flamethrowers. I plucked a man off a motorcycle and he turned into a toy that I threw into a bin.
I awoke not wanting to be part of these dreams. It is never a good sign when you are not happy with the dreams you have. Time to work on cognition in the conscious world.
I do have an internship now so I am not completely lost. But I still need money and I won't be payed for a month or so.
I worry that this is a nation of sadists and masochists and that the combination of these tendencies can only lead to degradation and destruction. We'll see I suppose.
I've grown tired of the Zoloft. But it has helped me greatly as well. Strange dichotomy. My health insurance is almost done, so I figure I'll get off the stuff slowly, and see what happens.
