I had a coffee this evening and now I'm jacked up and can't go to bed. It triggered a manic state. I watched a political documentary and my head was filled with Utopian ideas and then I played guitar for a bit and felt like the world was good and this is our time. Maybe it is. I also know I'm going to wake up tired and depressed. The dehumanizing morning commute will pit me against faceless steel beasts all vying for some arbitrary winning position, everyone racing to their despised jobs. Well ok I'm projecting a bit but still.
Caffeine does that to me. But I fall for it every time. I do feel pretty good right now. My head is racing with memories and I long to connect. Though I'll probably contract again at least until the work week is over. Every weekend I have fleeting glimpses of beaches and sunshine. I'm partially free for a bit and its over. The memories flash past like strobes. Their fragmentation and incompleteness and near-fulfillment make my heart ache.
Caffeine is a drug. It made me high. It is permitted because it allows us to work better or something like that.
Everyone goes by the coffee maker every morning at work and gets high. And then works like manic hamsters to fulfill some meaningless task. Well not everyone. But probably a majority. Then they go home and plug up their gaping holes with TV. By god consumerism is madness!
Maybe we know that everything is coming apart in slow motion. But still want to live as if it isn't. That's ok. Human nature and all that. Hopefully we don't get to a point where everything dead is in suspended animation, ready to liquefy past a certain point. I think Poe has a story about this.
I'm betting we manage to evolve before the liquefaction. But it's just hard right now. That's ok too I guess. Hopefully sleep soon.
PS: What a dreadful post! But I'm really in a better mood than my writing conveys right now.
PSS: For example - what this political documentary articulated was all the political mistakes we've made. How the powerful have tried maniacally to control every aspect of existence, and how the powerless have tried violence and tyranny to break people free of Capitalist ideology, and how it has all miserably failed. And really all that's left to do is relate to each other on a human level. All of the solutions tried thus far have relied on endlessly contrived political philosophy and alienating violence...all acts of radical separation that have made things worse. The answer is simple and it lies in how we relate to ourselves: openly with trust and compassion. Of course, the practical matters to work out are another thing entirely. Though I feel we can do this. I feel strongly about this, and translated those strong feelings to guitar. So usually when I play guitar, it is somewhat playful but also mechanical to continue improving articulation. Practice routine and all that. But every once in a while, when infused with the emotional sentiments that come with the celebration of life, the music takes on life itself. This I think is what leads to good music.
